Tuesday, September 9, 2014

So far

R.A.Y.O.R.: The following post is or maybe filled with english errors of all types and may not be organized writing. In fact, the entire post may not make any sense at all and will probably cause readers frustrations of all types and kind....sorry. 


Part of going to college is finding out if what you really want to do...is indeed what you really want to do.  I've been doing a lot of questioning lately about whether the path I am on right now is truly the one I am called for.  To me, the worst thing to happen is to graduate and realize that you are NOT as passionate about the field you chose to dig deep into for the last four years.  College is indeed different; there is so much freedom that sometimes you start feeling concerned of whether or not you SHOULD be some where when really you have no classes right now; that would be your own head trying to make you paranoid my friend.  I've experienced that type of thinking so many times since classes started.  My fear is not knowing when an assignment, test, project or whatever the class calls for is due.  The professors do not repeatedly tell you that homework is due the next day; no one will force you to go to lectures and class; you can EAT whatever the heck you want(that's right, feel free to screw the meal plan you've chosen, ain't no one gonna stop you).  The freedom scares me because I am a person who needs to be told what to do and in college there is no one to do that job but myself.  So far I've been able to manage and I'm hoping I don't have any low scores yet! I mean for god sake I just started classes. I'm afraid of missing opportunities, not begin able to gain experience because I am not as prepared to compete against others for study abroad opportunities, leadership and job positions.  I want to start building myself up starting this moment, this second. Not having much to showcase how capable I am scares me; Truly having little to no experience equally terrifies me. I am here to earn my degree but more importantly get closer to landing a job that I will be at least happy doing; The thought of failing at doing just that and more that I strive to do causes me to panic and spiral around in my own head.  I live a lot in my head which makes overthinking a curse so many of the times.  I am surrounded by peers that are far more qualified and experienced then I am. How am I suppose to compete when I am not equipped?  Intimidation is a daily task when in college because of how many students and different studies everyone seems to be in.  It's easy to tell yourself to not let others intimidate you but to actually believe and take the word to heart and carry with you to all types of situations is hard.  There are distractions upon distractions within college and it is your job to make sure your eyes,ears,and mind are focused on what is important because if you don't you're screwed. You are your own worst nightmare because if you do not do what is needed you fall behind and eventually start to feel discouraged because of how far away everyone else seems to be from you.  Most importantly college is a place where your emotions run wild.  Whether it be stressing about an exam, freaking out over not making it to a club, if the person you've had burning feel ins for feels the same, it is a place where you are sometimes overwhelmed with how you are feeling.  The need to keep it together is important but it's also equally important to deal with what is bothering you.  If you don't deal with it eventually it will be all that you think about thus you lose focus on your main purpose of being in college.  Out of all the problems you've heard so far, I struggle most with feeling. Sometimes you'll cry over the most random and littlest things and you won't know why; but that's okay!  You and I are human beings and there is a reason why God gave us emotions and everything in-between.  You can do everything under the sun to prepare for your future but what is the point if you are not fine emotionally.  Finding time for God is also something I've been trying to do more of.  I've been going to Campus House and their event's along with starting small group but I do not feel I am doing enough.  I've barely read let alone opened my bible because of how tired and lazy I've gotten with the tasks college has handed or rather thrown at me. I'm not sure what my point was or is, all I know is what I need to work on is first and foremost: being better about devoting time to God and spending time drowning myself in the word; I am going to try and read for 5-10 minutes at least of the word on top of listening to worship music throughout the day and talking to God during my busy times. Secondly: I need and will preserver through this semester; I will not let distractions keep me from what God has planned for me(not that I can ever screw up I mean come on, it's freakin God, the all knowing Him who probably already knows when I'm gonna screw up but put it in their just cause). Thirdly: Stay open minded and positive as much as possible and know that if things do not go the way I expect or want that there is a reason why it did not happen(perhaps it is because God never intended it to be apart of my story, who knows). 

So thanks for reading all the way down here you victim of my grammatical-error-filled-word-vomit-post! Like I said before, I don't think there is or was a point to this post other than for you to just be part of my "speedy"-ever-changing-thought-process.

Til Next Post!

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